Just Dreams
by Alphonseelric22
Summary: Ed's dreams distort his reality and soon his perception is warped beyond repair.


"I remember it so clearly, like it actually happened. We were in this town, Liore I think, and Al, my brother, was completely made of metal. There were these people, but... they weren't really people. They could transform their bodies into different things, like water. It was all so strange."

"What did you see after that Edward?"

"I remember a flash of light, blinding and red, and then the town was gone, nothing but a vast expanse of sand. I had tried to stop them, the soldiers who ran into that light but they didn't listen. I dug through the sand to find any survivors but... they were all gone."

"They were dead?"

"Not exactly. More like in another form, still alive but not at the same time. I heard a voice and ran towards the sound. I dug until finally there Al was, just lying there buried in the sand. He'd become something else, something powerful. That's all that happened."

"Thank you Edward. We will have another session one week from now."

"Brother, it was only a dream. You know those things couldn't really happen."

Ed gave his younger brother a less than pleased look. "Al, I'm telling you it was real. It was so vivid and I swear I was actually there. I had this arm and it-"

"Was made of metal, I know. You've told me about this dream a thousand times I could swear I had it," Al said, sipping from his juice and disregarding the look Ed was giving him.

"Listen to me! There was more to it! Mom was there too only... she wasn't right. She turned her body into water and I said she was 'our sin and our burden to bear'. What do you think that meant?"

"Look," Al said, stopping to face his brother. "why don't we go to the library and you can look this up. Maybe they have a book on dreams there that can help you figure out what this all means."

Ed sighed in resignation. "Fine, but I'm telling you this was more than just a dream."

"Thank you. Now come on, mom is expecting us over for lunch and I for one don't want to be late and have to eat cold stew."

"Another dream?"

"Yes. This time I was in this mansion. These creatures, they called themselves homunculi-"

"Homunculi?"

"Yes. They were these beings that were created humans, but they weren't human at all. They were the ones from before that changed their bodies, one into water and another into the appearances of any person. Anyways, I went into this mansion and a girl was there, Rose. What happened with her doesn't really matter much."

"Please go on."

"I fought their leader, the master of the homunculi, and she sent me beyond this huge gate, where I ended up in England during a war."

"Hm... was there anything else?"

"No. If anything else happens I'll come in."

"I'm sorry to have to bother you with work during your lunch hour."

"No it's quite alright. I feel it's safe to assume you've come to talk about your brother."

Al nodded. "I know there's a doctor and patient confidentiality but I need to know your thoughts on these dreams. They're getting worse. Digging up our dead mother's grave, me in a steel body, people that aren't really people... I fear something is wrong with him." 

"Well Mr. Elric, in my opinion these dreams of his are very troubling. It's unhealthy to think of a world in which a magical ability is possessed let alone believe in said world. Have the two of you ever had any serious trauma in your lives?"

"Not that I can recall, unless our father's passing would fall under that category."

"Usually the death of a loved one would." The therapist pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose, tapping her pen against the desk.

"Well, Ed didn't seem all that concerned about it. He and our father... they never really got along well. Dad tried and he meant well but Ed has always been so stubborn."

"I think you should try to talk to your brother about it. That event could be the cause of these dreams."

Al nodded. He hoped this would work.

"Brother, can we talk?"

"Yeah. What's up Al?" Ed asked, his eyes never straying from the book he was reading. He'd found a few books on dreams and while they were interesting none seemed to help him.

"Do you ever... miss dad?"

Ed frowned. "Why're you bringing him up Al?"

"I was just wondering because when he died you never really said anything. I thought maybe..."

Ed turned from his book to face his brother with a piercing stare. "You thought what?"

"Well, maybe it's the reason you're having these dreams."

"Stop. I don't want to hear it. You and mom are always trying to get me to feel something over it. I'm tired of it okay and I'm telling you these aren't just dreams!"

"What else would they be Ed? I swear sometimes you care more about those dreams than your real family!"

Ed stood from his chair, fists clenched. "Shut up! You don't understand dammit!" he shouted, exiting the room and leaving Al wishing he hadn't said a thing.

"Why don't you show me who you really are?" A punch to the creature's head as it's face morphed once more. "Instead of being a coward whose only real power is hiding behind other people's faces!" Another punch, gloved metal connecting with flesh.

His fist stopped midair and all he could do was stare.

"You said you wanted to see."

He shook as his fist hung in the air. "You're his son..." he whispered, the sound of it nearly like a hiss.

"Envy was the child of myself and Hohenheim four hundred years ago. He died prematurely of mercury poison. He was the first homunculus ever created," the woman, a snake, a devil, a goddamn demon, informed him.

"Then he abandoned me to start over with his perfect family. Needless to say I never did like being replaced..."

Ed had no time to react to the evil glint in Envy's eyes before he grinned maniacally and pain ripped through him, tearing at him as his blood poured onto the floor. He could faintly hear the screams of his brother but they didn't register. They were scratchy and blurry just like his vision as his eyes rolled back and fell to the floor, gaping hole in his abdomen.

Alphonse rushed from his room at the bloodcurdling scream that tore through the house and his once peaceful sleep. He found his brother in his room, thrashing about on the bed and throwing punches at invisible foes, seemingly trapped in a dream. Al grabbed one of his arms trying to pry him from his nightmare but doing nothing more than startling him further.

"Ed! Wake up! It's just a damn dream! Get up!"

Al continued to struggle with his brother as fingernails came and dug into his skin, tearing at the flesh. He winced, still too focused on helping Ed to pay them much more notice at the moment. His brother continued to thrash and swing at him.

"EDWARD!"

All his motion stopped at once as his eyes flew open and his chest heaved and he just looked around. Where was he? Was this heaven or was this the hell he was given for the forbidden? No this looked familiar. His room maybe?

"Ed? Ed are you okay?" Al said, breathless and worried.

Ed's gaze moved to his brother and it was then that realization dawned him. Another of those dreams. He was so tired of these damn dreams! Why did they have to haunt him? Why couldn't they go away and just leave him be and let him sleep? His eyes moved over his brother's body, making sure this was real, making sure it wasn't just another dream trying to comfort him only to kick him down again.

The blood on Al's arm was most definitely real.

"Your arm..."

"It's fine. What about you? Are you okay?"

Ed honestly didn't know. At the moment his mind couldn't hold on to one single thought or feeling. It flip flopped between terror, guilt, saddness, and confusion. His breathing picked up speed and his hands fisted in his brother's shirt as he just gave up thinking and cried.

Ed didn't want to sleep and though Al thought he should he refused. He'd been to see the therapist but it wasn't like she actually listened to his thoughts or feelings. All she saw was the diagnosis and treatment. It was all business and goddammit Ed was tired of that. It made him think of the bastard Colonel from the dreams and he frowned, unhappy that he came to mind and that he actually regarded him as a living person. His sanity was in question these days.

He had been up for days, finding things to occupy him in the middle of the night to keep his mind going as well as his body. He knew one slip of his thoughts meant he'd nod off into his dream world and that was a place he didn't want to visit. He picked at his food, barely hungry and that again set Alphonse off into mother hen mode. Ed heard him but his mind refused to process the complaints as he just gazed off into nothing, mind going a mile a minute.

It was hard to deal with this and not have some to talk to, to share this with. Sure he had his brother and his mom but he couldn't really share it with them. They didn't see them, didn't _feel_ them like he did. They didn't know just how real they felt every time he shut his eyes and they played across the theater of his mind. So he let the lonliness settle in the pit of stomach and stew there along with all of the other negative feelings.

Especially with the guilt. It didn't matter how much Alphonse reassured him that he was fine, Ed had hurt him. He'd made him _bleed_. He didn't care what Al said, he didn't care anything he tried to make him feel better. That fact of the matter was that he'd hurt his younger brother and he would never forgive himself for that.

He'd finally relented to the exhaustion one night, unable to make his mind think through the exhaustion any longer, though that didn't mean he didn't try. He didn't even realize he'd fallen asleep until a scene from the other world began playing before him and his gut twisted at the sight.

His mother lay in a bed, clinging to the last bits of life she could as her voice rasped out her last wishes.

"I have some money in drawer. I was saving it for the two of you. I want you two to use it."

"Don't be silly. We'll spend it with you."

Trisha Elric smiled softly, cling to the small hands of her sons as she felt herself slipping. "Be good and take care... of each other."

Her hand slackened, her arm slipping just a bit as her eyes slid shut and the two small boys knew then that she was gone. They cried and they begged the heavens, trying with all their might to bring their mother back with nothing but the power of their cries.

Ed awoke with his chest heaving and his cheeks streaked with tears. He looked around the room, once again not recognizing it at first until his mind registered that his dream had ended and he was back in reality. He wiped at his cheeks furiously, willing his tears to stop as he sat up and just breathed. His heart ached for his mother and he wished he could've dreamed something, anything happy. But of course his mind continued to betray him.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and quickly dressed himself, his longing for his mother overcoming him. He had to go see her, reassure himself that she was still living and breathing. The dream was just too damn real.

Again he was aching for her when he arrived at her home.

There she lay in her bed, just as she had in her dream, speaking in hushed tones as Alphonse sat beside her and stroked his thumb over the back of her hand in a gesture to comfort her.

Why did she have to go?

Why did his dream have to come true?

Why couldn't he stop this all from happening?

He couldn't answer any of those questions as he stood leaning against a wall, arms crossed and expression betraying the true pain inside him.

"I have some money that I've been saving up for you boys. I want you two to take it."

_I don't care about the money. It can stay in the desk drawer to crumble._

"Don't be silly mom. We can spend it with you when you get better," Al said, offering a shaky smile to his mother.

_She isn't getting better Al. She's leaving us._

Trisha returned the smile with a soft one of her own. "I want you two to use the money and take care of each other."

_She's never coming back. The dead never come back to life._

"Mom, that doesn't matter now. You need to rest."

_I'm so sorry Alphonse._

She squeezed Al's hand lightly. "Be good."

_Don't go!_

And with those final words, Trisha Elric's eyes closed and she slipped into the comforting arms of death. Al pressed her hand to his cheek, covering it with tears and he sobbed her name to the ceiling.

Ed clenched his fists against his shirt as his own tears threatened to fall but he had to stay strong, It wouldn't be good for the two of them to both be dissolved into tearful messes. He had to be the one that his brother could rely on right now, he had to be the one who could help them work passed this.

But Ed didn't want to work past it.

He wanted to cling to his mother and just cry until he squeezed every single tear from his eyes and then he'd do the only thing he could think of and just give up. What was left for the two of them if she was gone? Even if they had grown to be men Ed still didn't see how they'd go on without their mother to hold everything together when it felt like it was falling apart. They had no father and now they no longer had a mother. What else were they to do but give up?

Ed was so wrapped up in his own thoughts that he'd barely noticed his brother's crying cease. Barely. He looked up from where he'd focused on his shoes and his breath caught when his mother was no longer in her bed and Al just sat there as if he were some immovable statue.

"Why didn't you save me?"

Ed whirled around to face a figure dressed in a black gown, her long dark hair going to the middle of her back. Her face was the same, but it held none of the comfort of the woman who truly owned it. It held none of the kindness and none of the warmth of their mother. Ed didn't care how much she looked like her.

He still couldn't help calling out to her, his pain becoming his voice.

"Mom?"

"Why didn't you save me?"

"I tried! The dead don't come back! Ever!"

"Brother..."

Ed turned to face his brother who was in the oh so familiar suit of armor, voice echoing off of metal and he stood, staring down at his large leather hands.

"Brother, why did you damn me?"

"It was all I could do! I couldn't lose you!" Ed shouted, throat raw with agony.

"I can't eat. I can't smell. I can't feel. You took away my warmth! You took away my body!"

"It wasn't supposed to end like that! I never... I didn't want this!"

"Edward."

There that voice was, an achingly familiar velvety sound crawling around his eardrums and chilling his body to the bone.

"You killed me." Another voice, another on Ed's list of ruined lives.

Hughes. His voice carried through the room as his face passed through Ed's mind but the man only spoke accusations.

"No... you were never supposed to..." Ed whispered, eyes wide and he refused to turn and look at the man speaking to him now. He couldn't bear the sight of another damning gaze from someone he cared about.

"My poor daughter is growing up without a father because of you and my beautiful wife is wracked with agony. If you hadn't dragged me into your messes I would still be with them today. You killed me Ed!"

"I'm sorry! I never should've gotten you involved! It was my fault! I'm sorry!"

A hand was caressing his cheek now, no warmth radiating from her flesh as she stood before him.

"Why my son... why have you damned so many?"

"I didn't... I didn't want..."

"Your brother his in that shell."

"Edward!"

Al disintegrated before his eyes, hand outstretched and trying to reach him as he faded from existence.

"Alphonse!"

"A child is now without a father!"

Hughes was going now too.

"No!"

Her lips were next to his ear now, moving slowly with each word.

"You killed me twice."

"No! Stop! Shut up! All of you just shut up!" he screamed, hands over his ears as his eyes were shut tight and his lungs burning with the task of just breathing right now.

"Edward!"

_Mom!_

"Brother!"

_Alphonse!_

"Edward!"

_Hughes!_

His limbs felt heavy and refused to move as he tried to sit up. He struggled against whatever restraints were holding him, trying with the sheer force of his will to rip himself from whereever he'd been stuck. His body wouldn't move, wouldn't budge and no matter how hard he tried he just couldn't move.

His breathing quickened as he screamed to the unfamiliar ceiling and just wished he could fucking move.

"Brother! Try not to move!"

"Alphonse? Alphonse where are you?"

Al stood over the bed, the pure terror in his brother's voice alarming him. "Ed it's okay. I'm right here."

"What's going on? Where the hell am I? Why can't I move?" Ed was panicking now, trying harder than before to just get up and he stilled as two hands gently pressed him back down.

"Brother please just calm down! You'll hurt yourself even more! Please don't move!"

The hysteria in Al's voice scared him and he forced himself to calm down, forced his body to relax, and forced his breathing to even out.

"What's going on?" he asked in the most even tone he could manage. Only now that he'd calmed down long enough to think did he notice the smell of antiseptic.

"You're in the hospital."

Ed took a deep breath before speaking again. "What happened?"

"You were hit by a car. I don't even know how it happened. One second we were arguing about something completely stupid and the next you were on the road and I..." Al stopped to take a breath. "I thought you were gone. I really did Ed."

Ed turned his head as best as he could to look at his brother who'd sat down and now had his head in hands. He wasn't sure if he was crying or not but regardless he wished he hadn't caused him so much pain.

"I started trying to find a way to make alchemy work here, to bring you back if you did die. You'd think I would've learned that doesn't work but I was just so scared brother. You almost..."

"I'm sorry Al. I didn't mean to make you cry. It seems like all I ever do is fuck up and cause other people trouble."

"Shut up Ed. Just stop right now. I am so tired of you blaming yourself for everything bad that ever happens in our lives. It was a stupid fight and it was my fault you ran into the road. It's my fault you got hit. Stop blaming yourself." Al had to stop himself, take a few breaths before he could continue. For once Ed was struck silent, guilt holding his voice at bay. "It's not your fault Ed."

Ed sighed. "I heard you the first time. It was a stupid fight anyway and-"

"No. Everything you've blamed yourself for and I know you still blame yourself for. Don't say anything," Al said, stopping Ed before he could start. "I know how your mind works. It's like a guilt machine and it keeps tearing you apart more every day. That day... it wasn't just your fault. I was there Ed, I wanted mom back too. We both tried and we both failed!"

"Every time... every time someone died, I know you blamed yourself. I know you shouldered the weight of all of their lost lives yourself and you refused to let me help and dammit all I want to help! We got into this mess together and we can shoulder the blame together!"

Ed couldn't stop the tears and at the moment he didn't really care to try. "Alphonse, I stuck you in that metal body for so long. You couldn't eat, you couldn't sleep... how can you still... how can you sit here and still want to even look at me with anything but hatred?"

"Because you saved me. You saved me when you put me in that armor."

Ed looked at the ceiling, staring at the patterns there. He couldn't look at Al right now. "Al, I think you've got it mixed up."

"No. You saved my life by putting me in that body and then you fixed it. You got my body back and how could I hate you for that? How could I hate the brother who gave his arm to save me?" Al whispered, placing one hand to Ed's metal arm. Somehow the automail limbs had remained intact with only a few scratches while Ed had fared much worse. Al just guessed Winry had made these models extra strong.

Ed was silent for another moment, choking back a sob. "I'm sorry Alphonse. I'll be more careful from now on. I'll make sure... I'm not going anywhere okay? Besides," he muttered, looking back at Al and smiling. "How could anyone leave behind a brother like you?"

Al smiled. "You can't and you know it," he muttered, smile turning to a smirk and Ed just laughed.

Because despite being stuck beyond the gate in a post war world (Ed was sure it wasn't over. He was sure that another war was close.) and despite everything and everyone that had tried to tell them they couldn't, _they had. _They'd restored Al and they'd somehow managed to both live through it all.

So Ed laughed because it was a great day to be alive and a great day to have Alphonse Elric as a younger brother.


End file.
